if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
