Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
