My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
