If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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