One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
