I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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