party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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