he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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