I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
