Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize