She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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