I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
