It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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