forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
