took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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