So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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