i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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