Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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