I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
