I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
