I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
