Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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