i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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