I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
