9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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