Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
