Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize