I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
