Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
