My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
