I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
