so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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