I could make wine with my vomit
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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