his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
