Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Randomize
