my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
