There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
