I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They took my balls.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
