I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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