took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
