She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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