you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
