Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize