My Higher Power is John Stamos
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sext me about skeletons
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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