Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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