I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
