I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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