So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
