you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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