Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
