WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
