mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
