it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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