Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
