my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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