halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
