Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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