Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
