First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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