I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
