Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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