Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
